Breaking the Game

Fucking ridiculous. As a society, human species, what have you. We play games. All the time. We play games when we don’t need to play games. We duck and cover. We swindle. We dodge. All for some meaningless sense of control. I’ve played them, and they are great when you are in control, but when you are the one spiraling out, it’s not such a good thing. It’s downright horrifying actually. All of our decisions affect other peoples lives, we know this. It’s the universal duh, but do we care? Do people care that all of their decisions directly effect someone elses…else. From financial to mental, everything we do, every move, every thought, provokes a reaction. This is harsh no? I, am driven by one thing. Love. It’s absolutely true. I’ll never deny it. Not sure why. I suppose if we dive deep into the heart of it I grew up in a home that had it in different places, and never between the people that conceived me. So yes, I am intrigued. I constantly ask myself the question of “is this it?” “Is this what it feels like?” It must be. I don’t want it to go away, I don’t want any of this to go away. So, in my own minds eye, I stage “interventions.” Stupid little tests that poke at the edges. Pinch it, to make sure it’s real. This..is a bad idea. To question love is to question self. We seek to be justified by our own selves, so if that is in fact true, we question ourselves by questioning love, right? No. That’s probably way off. But I question myself because I am stubborn. I truly believe I have found it, but it hasn’t found me. Therefore I try to force it, which is also…a bad idea. Sitting in the world of not ugly but not handsome affords this. You observe. Poke. Prod. Envy other peoples happiness, and wonder why not me? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Then we realize we are products of our own youth, and in fact, it’s not where we went wrong, but how we were raised. Not by any fault, just by the sheer absorbing factory that the brain becomes. Words beget more words beget more words, as I struggle to find meaning. THe lights get dimmer and the horizon gets further away as I feel everything slip between my fingers. Why? Cause my heart got infected with the one thing I can never have. The one thing that helps me sleep at night, give me purpose, makes me smile, inspires me. Fuck you love.