10. BYOBs. Not sure why, actually, since every store from the local CVS to the gas station on the corner sells alcohol. But that little acronym just flat out doesn’t fly around here.
9. Late Night Bites. Your choices? Taco Hell, some random chili diner, or Kentucky. Either way, your next day is not going to go very well.
8. Casual Biking. Hills, hills..distance and more hills, prevent the casual bicycler from say, taking a leisurely ride along the Ohio…in most instances. But, if you are super hardcore, or enjoy impressing people with your knowledge of Lance Armstrong outfits, you will do well here.
7. East Coast League Nights. Granted, I am the new kid at school, but for the first time in my life, I am not exactly making friends at bowling. The sheer focus, and Ivan Drago mentality that most bowlers display on the lanes reminds me of the times I would get yelled at at the Blackjack table for hitting when the dealer is showing under a 7. Either way, one of these days I’ll cut the damn Russian and at least earn his respect.
6. Egos. Technically, these shouldn’t work anywhere. But don’t try to bring a Jersey Shore, Long Island, Boston, East Coast, Philly, anything to the party. You won’t clash with anyone here, you will just stand out…a lot. They serve humble pie out here, and it tastes good.
5. Fake Southern Accents. Much like a Fake British Accent, the real McCoys know when you are mocking them with a non-authentic drawl, and administer punishment accordingly.
4. Subarus. Actually, this might extend to many overseas car types, but when trying to work on, find parts for, or general maintenance on said vehicle, the best response I’ve had to date was, “Subaru? Who makes that GM?.” So one must take to obsessive online forum stalking to get the job done.
3. Vegetarian Selections. It’s not that there aren’t any, but Ohio certainly doesn’t offer making the option to switch as easy as some coastline city counterparts. Yes it requires a bit more home cooking, but on the flip side there are many local organic farm options.
2. Roast Pork Sammy’s and Pizza. Having been in the city of Porkopolis for a good many months now, I am appalled that this isn’t the staple food item on every corner. Hell I’ll take A food item on A corner. The pork of choice is either Barbecued, Smoked, or Weinerized. The “pizza” of choice is well….not.
1. Online dating. Most people out here found their very normal, very one and only in high school, leaving the rest of us damaged folk in the virtual world. Any interaction with said world leaves you more damaged than when you first entered. So, thanks for that.
Eventually I will post up 11 things that do work in Ohio, as soon as I find 11 things.