journal.

Well, this is sudden. In a move not seen since Babe Ruth went from Boston to NY, I have decided to leave the great land of Philadelphia. If you had asked me a month ago, no, strike that, a year or two ago I would have sworn that Philly would have been my home for life. I would have been officially a Philadelphian after having a child there or purchased my first picket fence within the confines of it’s border. But, alas, how things have changed.

You have to forgive me, this has been a strange occurance. I always thought the only thing that would make me leave this city was the lure of LA, or Italy, or some other absurd locale. Instead, after investing over 6,000 days (roughly 17 years give or take), I am departing not for the exotic, but Cincinnati.

Why there? Why indeed. Some seem upset, thinking maybe I’m just giving up. Some think I am running away, God knows I’ve made enough mistakes round here to fill up Fishtown- i do actually avoid a handful of blocks up there for this very reason. Many will jump for joy, some will wish me luck, and a few will be at a loss for words. Truth is I will miss this town. It is on the verge of something great, it truly is. I am proud of having seen it grow so much in the past decades. I am honored to have met the people that i have, they have been such a beacon of life for each neighborhood. Filling it with energy and creativity. You make Philly, so Philly.

It pained me so much to decide to leave, because of these wonderful relationships. In my search for something to direct my life, I always saw these relationships I’ve made as a landline, keeping me anchored, and on track. When that track faltered, or flat out disappeared, many of you picked me up, and were there for me. For that I am ever grateful. I will miss you all terribly, but I suppose, there’s always Facebook.

In 17 years there were 14 apartments, 13 roommates in 6 different ‘hoods with 2 cars stolen, along with 8 bikes. 5 years of teaching, 6 years of learning, 2 degrees, and 2 positions in 2 companies, $5635 in PPA fines -70% was while I HAD a permit (ah..fuck you guys). And of course, 1 arrest record.

Every relationship I seem to have had, every love affair, every fling, has come to an end. So it seems fitting, that Philly and I take a break for a while. She too, beat me, demeaned me, all the while making me think I was right for her. But the truth is, like many others in the world, I want a Ctrl+Z. I want a redo. I want to rediscover the person inside that I know I can be. The optimistic, enlightened, hopeful one. I want to release the east coast hate into the stratosphere, and be someone that my students can respect, that my peers can admire, and that my family -yes including my little sister- can be proud of. This includes myself.

Ah Philly, what hath ye done to me.

I liken it to sitting in church and watching your ex get married, thinking “ah, she’ll be back, she said so.” Then watching them have kids, a house, and grow old, all the while you grow old watching them, and never do anything for yourself.

So off I go, to a blank slate. A town with no history for me. With amazing sports teams. Sarcasm intact. And most importantly, optimism. I leave behind my greatest friends, the ones that still talk to me, and the ones that don’t. An amazing school with students that truly changed my life. As both a teacher, and a classmate, you have all been a source of inspiration, never stop learning, never stop questioning, and most importantly, never say, “I don’t think that’s possible.”

Ah boy. This is rough, but..Cincitunnity. Let’s do this.

So I found a list of 10 goals I had apparently written to myself during a moment of self reflection many, many years ago. It’s an interesting read. It had come during a time when I was struggling with things way more than I am now. Someone told me to make a list of goals. THey can be simple, they can be complex. THese goals you should take in phases, give them deadlines, but always work towards them. So now I look at myself 3 years later and see how its going. Not too bad. It is the kind of reading material that inspires me. I was actually hopeful, and whether or not I was being true to myself when I wrote this, doesn’t matter. As it turns out, I have been accomplishing said goals. THat’s kind of something considering I have a knack for not completing personal projects..take this site for instance. So let’s see where we stand.

1. Get back to fighting shape of 175lbs. Well, I am close. Lost close to 15, and am hovering around 190. Almost swimsuit attire again, look out.

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Fucking ridiculous. As a society, human species, what have you. We play games. All the time. We play games when we don’t need to play games. We duck and cover. We swindle. We dodge. All for some meaningless sense of control. I’ve played them, and they are great when you are in control, but when you are the one spiraling out, it’s not such a good thing. It’s downright horrifying actually. All of our decisions affect other peoples lives, we know this. It’s the universal duh, but do we care? Do people care that all of their decisions directly effect someone elses…else. From financial to mental, everything we do, every move, every thought, provokes a reaction. This is harsh no? I, am driven by one thing. Love. It’s absolutely true. I’ll never deny it. Not sure why. I suppose if we dive deep into the heart of it I grew up in a home that had it in different places, and never between the people that conceived me. So yes, I am intrigued. I constantly ask myself the question of “is this it?” “Is this what it feels like?” It must be. I don’t want it to go away, I don’t want any of this to go away. So, in my own minds eye, I stage “interventions.” Stupid little tests that poke at the edges. Pinch it, to make sure it’s real. This..is a bad idea. To question love is to question self. We seek to be justified by our own selves, so if that is in fact true, we question ourselves by questioning love, right? No. That’s probably way off. But I question myself because I am stubborn. I truly believe I have found it, but it hasn’t found me. Therefore I try to force it, which is also…a bad idea. Sitting in the world of not ugly but not handsome affords this. You observe. Poke. Prod. Envy other peoples happiness, and wonder why not me? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Then we realize we are products of our own youth, and in fact, it’s not where we went wrong, but how we were raised. Not by any fault, just by the sheer absorbing factory that the brain becomes. Words beget more words beget more words, as I struggle to find meaning. THe lights get dimmer and the horizon gets further away as I feel everything slip between my fingers. Why? Cause my heart got infected with the one thing I can never have. The one thing that helps me sleep at night, give me purpose, makes me smile, inspires me. Fuck you love.

It seems certain themes keep recurring. I am curious if it has to do with the whole “once you see something once you are wary of it everywhere” syndrome. The theme for me this week, that my mind is coming to terms with is the idea of being replaceable. It’s not a pleasant thing to think about, and I wouldn’t recommend many dwell on it. But it seems like a lot of hostility and frustration comes from this concept. Quite frankly, we are all replaceable. In a world where we are (or at least should be) shooting for sustainability, one would think that it would trickle down to the human. I struggle with this concept now. I am replaceable. It feels better to say it, but in every aspect of your life, you are replaceable. Everyone falls victim to this at some point. Actors, surgeons, lawyers, future NFL players. Maybe the person that steps in isn’t this or that, surely they are not your clone, but they can learn or already do something better than you ever thought you could. You just got replaced bitch. Work. REPLACED! Love. Pitched..then REPLACED (hopefully in that order)!! Bowling teams…all of the sudden you find yourself on the alternate roster. and REPLACED. It is always personal? No, but we almost always take it personally. There’s a little tinge. It’s in the back of your brain no matter how focused you think you are. You might even twitch your left eye when you hear, that you’ve been swapped.

So now the real question, how do we deal with this? I say it aloud, think about the reasons behind it, and try to dissect those. It’s painful. It’s remorseful. It’s humbling. It might not even get you anywhere, and I highly recommend an alcoholic beverage nearby. But you say it aloud. You acknowledge it. Hell, write it down so you know you’ve done it. Then take a step forward. Maybe even go out the door.

It’s funny what can step in and fubar the works. You can be trudging along, minding your own business, then one little thing kinks the rails. You’ll find it’s hard to read all your research when that happens. Because of the density of the text sometimes you find yourself stuck in your own thoughts. Listening to your own voice talk back to you at first, then going off on some diatribe about who this and who that. So pointless. I wonder sometimes if I had a sibling growing up if this inner dialog wouldn’t be so damn loud. That maye just maybe, I would have had an actual dialog instead. It’s something that need to be worked on for sure. This bloggy blog sort of helps. Sorta. It doesn’t help that damn much when the lights are out and you just want to go to sleep but you are so wound up thinking about stupid, and I do mean…stupid things like well, just stupidity. I should be thinking about myself and my life right now. Me. What’s healthy for me, and what I plan on working on for the rest of my living days. It’s hard. It’s draining. Honest to God I wish I could block out everyone. Ok not true. Just some people. Anyways, back to reading. Later interwebs, portfolio is shaping up nicely by the by. New camera here any day now?

Like many other people in the world, I have a Todo list. This Todo list has been growing, extensively over the past 10 years. It’s small, simple things. Make a bowling team t-shirt. Create brilliant app idea. Do your taxes. And of course, on this list, was make something of at least one of my 20 something URLs. So as a means of flighting from my actual task work, I am finally going to complete my web site of all the content that is me. The ultimate in stalker material. Everything you will ever need to know and more. I must say though, when one breaks down their entire life into the barest elements, and tries to lay them all out together, it sure as hell doesn’t look nearly as impressive as one would think. Guess I need to get out more. Stay tuned.